My Distant Love

Fix My Marriage

Dena — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 02:37:51 +0000

The unanswered question for so many couples in unhappy marriages is “how to fix my marriage?” Is this question on your mind as well? You may have entered into the marriage with high hopes for a great future together but, that great future doesn’t seem to be happening.

Instead of happiness has your marriage now become a relationship that goes from being almost alright one day to downright terrible the next? No matter how bad the bad days are, the fact that you are looking for ways to fix what is broken in the marriage is a good sign.

One of the most difficult things for most people to do is admit that their marriage is on shaky ground. Because it’s so hard to do and because no one wants to be a failure, many people instead will deny there are problems right up until the bitter end.

Denying the problems won’t make them disappear and there is no marriage rescue fairy that will swoop in one day and make everything right again. The cold, hard reality is that if you want to fix what’s broken in your marriage, you will have to change what you have been doing up to this point in time. After all, what you’ve been doing is obviously not working for you. It will be somewhat more difficult if only one of you are interested in making changes in your marriage, however it’s not impossible.

So how can you fix you marriage?

If the two of you are prepared to make the necessary changes, it doesn’t matter how far south the relationship has sunk. If you were ever truly in love, there will be no doubt. Real love can be shaken, but it won’t be broken.

The first thing you must do is openly admit to each other that the relationship as it exists is not working. Unless the problems in you marriage are from something obvious like one of you having an affair, try to determine exactly what went wrong and why. Some good possibilities are unmet needs, taking each other for granted, lack of communication and not making time for each other.
Many times one of the partners in a marriage will complain that their needs aren’t being met when in reality they have never shared those needs with their spouse. It’s real difficult for someone to meet your needs without knowing what they are. Share with your spouse exactly what it is that you need from them. This way there are no doubts and your needs are way more likely to be met.
If you are guilty of taking your spouse for granted, you need to stop immediately. Everyone likes to be appreciated and the fact that you are married does not negate that. Thank your spouse for the things they do, showing a little appreciation is easy and benefits the both of you.
It’s very possible that communication problems have played a part if either of you have unmet needs or one or both of you have taken the other for granted. That is why communication is so very important, so many other problems are created when you don’t share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. If you have tried sharing and been met with disapproval or been ignored, it is vital to the marriage that the two of you learn to communicate effectively.
Not making time for each other is a huge problem for many couples. With the busy lives most of us lead it’s so easy to let everything else come before your spouse and your marriage. Do what ever you have to do to make time for each other, schedule it if that’s what it takes. Time spent alone together strengthens the bond between you and allows you to grow closer. If you don’t make the effort to make sure that you spend time alone together, you will slowly drift apart.

Almost any problem in a marriage can be fixed. If you have struggled to try to overcome your marriage problems on your own it may be time to reach out for help.

Do you want to fix your marriage? Many couples have had success following a proven plan called Save the Marriage. Click here to learn how this plan can help you fix your marriage.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Trust?

Dena — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 18:57:16 +0000

So the question on your mind is “can a marriage survive without trust?”

TRUST: having confidence or faith in

Well, my dictionary defines trust as “having confidence or faith in”.

If you don’t have confidence or faith that your spouse will do what they say and will treat both you and your relationship with respect and honesty there is very little substance to the marriage.

I really don’t see how anyone could expect a relationship of any sort, but especially a marriage to survive if trust is missing.

A Marriage Without Trust Can’t Survive
While the bad news might be “no”, without trust a marriage can’t survive, the good news is that trust can be regained. It’s difficult and takes a good deal of time, but it is doable if you are determined.

Trust is Hard to Regain
The funny thing about trust is how easily we give it initially. It generally doesn’t take people long to decide whether or not they feel they can trust someone.

Trust is maintained by being honest and doing what you say you will do, in other words by being trustworthy.

However, no matter how quickly we trust someone at first once that trust is betrayed, regaining it it hard.

What to do Once Trust is Broken
Once someone lies to you or behaves in ways that are not consistent with what they say, doubt creeps in about whether or not that person is trustworthy.

You begin to hold back and your relationship with the person is affected in a negative way. If the person you no longer fully trust is a friend, you may be able to continue the friendship on a different level.

If the person who has made you doubt your trust in them is your spouse your emotions may run from disbelief to downright anger, but since a marriage requires 100% commitment, you cannot continue the marriage on a different level. Your options with your marriage are to end the relationship or begin the process of forgiveness and rebuilding trust.

Keep reading to learn more about forgiving your spouse or trying to regain the lost trust.

Can You Save A Marriage in Crisis?

Dena — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 22:44:55 +0000

Due to many different reasons there are an untold number of couples that are living in unhappy marriages. While some of these couples may just be going through a temporary “rough spot” and will see the relationship recover and improve, others are experiencing a very real marriage crisis that threatens to destroy the relationship.

While the couples who are experiencing temporary problems may need some marriage problem advice, the couples we are concerned with here are the couple who are indeed going through a crisis in their marriage. While most couples in this crisis situation can plainly see that their relationship is in a downward spiral, many will stick it out for a variety of reasons. This would be great if they tried to work on the problems and pull the marriage out of the crisis situation. The problem is that they often stay but put no effort into trying to salvage the marriage. Instead they are like spectators on the sideline watching as the marriage dies a painful death.

The following are some signs that your marriage is indeed in crisis:

Regardless of the event or activity the two of you attend, you are both unhappy when you are in each others company.

One or perhaps both of you cannot do anything that is right in the eyes of your spouse.

You only really feel like you are being yourself when you are either alone or in a group of people that doesn’t include your spouse.

You can’t seem to agree on even small everyday matters much less plans for the futures.

One or both of you no longer tries to hide the fact that you are miserable.

One or both of you are involved either physically or emotionally with someone else.

I don’t advocate divorce except in rare cases, but seeing your marriage headed in the direction of divorce without trying to stop it can be even worse than actually filing for divorce. Staying in the marriage with no intention of trying to make it better hurts both spouses and any children and though to a lesser extent it also hurts your friends and extended family. The longer you go in a situation that is deteriorating with no action the worse the fallout is for everyone concerned. There is no good reason to live in turmoil when there are many other options.

If your relationship with your spouse fits any or all of the criteria for a marriage crisis, then you need to take action today to try and salvage the marriage.

No matter what problem or problems are that have caused your marriage to reach the crisis point, if either one of you are willing to try to make things better, the possibility exists to save the marriage.

Taking a couple in a obvious crisis situation with an unhappy relationship and transforming them into a couple with a good relationship and a happy marriage requires a solid plan, determination and effort. Many couples in similar marriage crisis situations have had great success following the plan laid out here.

How to Forgive Yourself For Cheating

Dena — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:17:42 +0000

You did it, you really messed up and you cheated on your husband or wife. It really doesn’t matter right now why it happened, what matters now is where you go from here.

If you do love your spouse and want to try to make things right in your marriage there are three things that you will have to deal with. Gaining forgiveness from your spouse, regaining their trust and figuring out how to forgive yourself for cheating. All of these will take time to accomplish, but can be done if you and your spouse are serious about saving your marriage.

Gaining Forgiveness From Your Spouse
Gaining forgiveness from your spouse will be the first hurdle you have to cross. Don’t make excuses, try to lay blame or try to rationalize what you have done. Instead, go to your spouse and admit that you made a huge mistake in judgement, tell them that you are truly sorry for what you have done, and ask for their forgiveness.

Now, don’t expect that forgiveness to come quickly or easily. Your spouse may even tell you that they aren’t sure whether they can forgive you or not. The important thing at this point is that you apologized and asked to be forgiven.

Regaining Trust
Regaining their trust is the next step and goes hand in hand with your spouse being able to forgive you. Cheating on your spouse is the ultimate betrayal of trust and in order for your spouse to forgive you and trust you again, you will need to be totally honest in everything you say and do.

Answer every question they ask, even if they ask the same questions over and over. If the question is why, don’t make excuses; you messed up and you need to take total responsibility for what happened.

You will need to be extra careful that you don’t do or say anything that will cause more distrust. When you say you will do something, do it. The only way you will be able to regain your spouses trust is by consistently being open and honest.

Be aware that it will take quite some time for your spouse to be able to totally trust you again and patience will be necessary.

Forgiving Yourself For Cheating
Now, the next question is how to forgive yourself for cheating. This can sometimes be more difficult than getting forgiveness from your spouse.

When you see the hurt you have caused your spouse you feel even worse and beat yourself up over and over again. Beating yourself up doesn’t change what has happened, it only makes you feel bad and doesn’t help the situation at all.

Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t feel badly about what you did or that your weren’t responsible for what you did, it means that you acknowledge that you made a huge mistake and you promise yourself you will never do it again.

If you are truly sorry for what you have done, making amends with your spouse and making sure that you never again hurt your spouse in this way will also help you to forgive yourself.

Cheating on a spouse is something that happens all to frequently. For some couples cheating ends the marriage while others begin the long road to saving the marriage. Only the two of you can make the decision as to whether you want to try to salvage your relationship.

Many couples have successfully restored the love and trust in their marriage after one of the spouses cheated. To get the help you need to begin healing your marriage today, click here now.

Marriage Advice For Men

Dena — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 00:25:46 +0000

One of the core needs of every human is the need for the companionship and the company of other people. We all have this need for love and affection from other people. It’s what causes us to want to be married. Because of these needs, we feel more complete and fulfilled when we share our life with someone else.

People who have someone to share their life with are more socially and emotionally well rounded than people who live alone. Despite all the jokes that you hear about marriage, married people tend to live longer than people who remain single and live alone.

So the big question is….If we have an innate need for being in a relationship and actually see health and emotional benefits from it, why do we seem to have such a difficult time making a marriage work?

Nobody is perfect and we all, married men and married women alike make mistakes in our relationships. While this may be true, statistics indicate that in 3/4 of all divorces, it is the woman who does the filing.

Does this mean married men make more mistakes and women just become tired of it all and decide to put an end to it?

Probably not, but…here’s a little marriage advice for men…

Learn From Your Mistakes
As was mentioned none of us are perfect and sometimes the things we do that make a mess of our marriages are done unintentionally. While it’s said that you learn from your mistakes, it seems some people never do and they make the same mistakes over and over again.

When this happens in a marriage, the spouse who is on the receiving end of these repeated mistakes (your wife) often thinks the mistakes are intentional. She may also think that her husband (you) must not care or he wouldn’t keep doing the same thing time and time again.

Common Unintentional Mistakes Men Make
Married men often rush to “fix the problem” when their wife tells them about something that is bothering her. Generally what the wife wants is a listening ear and perhaps a little sympathy and a few words of encouragement and understanding. Until she specifically asks you to “fix the problem”, believe me that is not why she is telling you about it.

In this situation, the best thing a man can do is wrap his arms around his wife, listen to her and then tell her he understands what she is going through. If she decides that she needs help fixing the problem, then a man is in his element and can offer her his plan for solving her problem.

Another common mistake married men make is that they tend to forget the important of romance. It seems that through the dating process, men can be awfully good at romance, but once the marriage takes place, the romance is over. If more married men tried to keep the romance alive, I believe there would be less divorce.

As far as mistakes go, remedying a lack of romance is relatively easy. Make an effort to be more thoughtful and show more affection. From time to time surprise her with a gift for no reason at all, just because you can. The gift doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. The fact that you thought of her is really what matters.

While husbands and wives can and should be best of friends, she is not your old college friend or your hunting buddy. You wife deserves and expects to be treated with love and respect. While she can enjoy palling around with you at times, for the most part she wants to be treated like the lady she is.

There are lots of things that can cause a marriage to fall apart, the best marriage advice for men (and women) is don’t let unintentional mistakes create extra problems in your marriage.

If mistakes you have made however unintentional are threatening your marriage the plan laid out here offers a way to make things right again.

What Are The Biggest Problems in Marriage?

Dena — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 15:40:14 +0000

The biggest problems in marriage may possibly be entering into the relationship believing that it will be problem free. Thinking this is not realistic but the truth is there are men and women who take that walk down the aisle everyday with this belief.

Don’t take that to mean that you should be looking for problems to occur, but only that you should know that they WILL happen occasionally and with that knowledge you will be better prepared when problems arise.

Often times the biggest problems couples have to work through are not what would be considered serious in nature. Of course, any problem can become serious and cause real damage to the relationship if a solution is not found.

Resolving problems can be made more difficult due to the fact that according to many marriage counselors, managing conflict is a big issue for many couples. While it may sound crazy, the inability to manage conflict can be worse than the actual issue that caused the conflict.

Managing conflict requires good communication and for many couples communicating about a problem creates another problem. A couple who is able to communicate effectively will talk over the problem and then together they will try to find a happy compromise to solve the problem. In couples where communication is lacking the talk becomes an argument where one or both become defensive, lay blame and deny any responsibility for the problem, it can also get ugly with either spouse resorting to criticism and name calling.

When things become heated in this way, generally one or the other walks away, they don’t talk to each other for hours or even days and then when tempers have cooled, life goes back to somewhat normal again. The problem, however, is not resolved and will more than likely come up again and the cycle will repeat.

While many problems may be minor and easily resolved through good communication, there are also more serious issues that many couples face. Experts tell us that money matters, sexual matters and issues involving children are the three biggest issues that can cause serious problems in a marriage.

Money matters whether it’s a lack of money or the spending habits of one of the spouses tops the list as most couples will have disagreements over money matters from time to time. Both spouses need to be on the same page concerning finances and it would be wise for couples to discuss financial matters before they are married to make sure they know how the other person deals with financial matters. If your family is having debt problems, the best course of action may be a credit counselor to help you work your way out of debt.

Problems relating to sex can range from lack of sex in the marriage to one of the partners becoming involved with another person and having an affair. Both of these are serious issues and can destroy the marriage. Couples counseling to get to the bottom of the issues before one of the spouses strays is a good idea.

Issues involving children can occur even before a couple has children, when one of the spouses is ready to have children and the other isn’t. Couples also often has differences of opinion as to discipline and child rearing that can lead to problems.

As you can see there are many issues that can create problems in a marriage. Each couple is unique and what may be a huge problem for one couple may only be a minor issue for another couple. Regardless of what creates the problem, all couples will have problems from time to time and ignoring this fact may very well be one of the biggest problems in marriage.

No matter what may be causing problems in your marriage, rest assured that if not resolved the issue will keep causing conflict. Many couples have had great success resolving their problems by following the plan laid out here.

How to Get the Love Back in Your Marriage?

Dena — Thu, 20 May 2010 22:29:35 +0000

Your Wedding Day
Can you remember back when you and your spouse were newlyweds? You were both so much in love and you looked forward to a lifetime of happiness. You hoped for a life filled with happiness and looked forward to being together forever. Visions of happiness filled your mind as you lovingly looked at your spouse and anticipated the joy the future would hold.

While that may have been a true picture of your wedding day, it’s a far cry from how your marriage stands today.

Your Marriage Today
Separation and divorce have been mentioned more than once. Instead of being filled with joy and happiness your marriage is filled with disappointment and heartache.

The both of you have drifted so far apart that the love that was once there is missing in action and may even be dead. While you once looked forward to being together forever, today “together forever” feels more like a life sentence in prison.

If any of this rings true, you aren’t alone, there are lots of couples in marriages that would be called anything but happy.

Unhappy Marriages Need Change
Unhappiness in marriage is a strange creature that seems to just suddenly appear one day. In truth, the seeds of unhappiness are planted through neglecting your relationship and your spouse. Those seeds have been growing quietly in the background for some time before you realize just how miserable your marriage really is. It may not sound like it, but recognizing your unhappiness is often a good thing. It means you know that something has to change.

For some the change will be to take the easy way out and file for divorce and end the marriage, but others will make the effort to rekindle the marriage and make an all out attempt to find the love that once existed. If you want to restore the love in your marriage, keep reading.

Communicate and Negotiate
We have stressed here before how important communication is in marriage. The both of you should talk about the things that are working as well as the things that aren’t working. Just lay it all out there, the good, the bad and the ugly. Now is the time to begin some real, honest and open communication along with some give and take to reach a happy compromise. You have nothing to loose and a happy marriage to gain.

Demonstrate Love and Appreciation
Next, you need to both find ways to make the other feel loved and appreciated once again. Do some of the special things for your spouse that you did when you were dating and first married. Make an effort to spend time together doing things you both enjoy. Bring some fun back into your marriage. Flirt with your spouse again, hold hands in public, just let them know that they are loved by you.

Turning a unhappy marriage into a happy one requires a solid plan, determination and effort. Many couples have had great success following the plan laid out here.

A Marriage Crisis Won’t Crush Strong Love

Dena — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 21:19:02 +0000

Is your love strong enough that your marriage can withstand a crisis and emerge stronger?

Many people have compared love to a garden and it is an apt comparison. A garden needs good soil as the foundation for the plants. It also needs both sunshine and rain to enable the plants to grow and be strong.

Love also needs a good foundation based on friendship, trust and honesty. Love grows with it’s form of sunshine and rain provided by the ups and downs we all experience.

One thing is certain, real love that can withstand almost any marriage crisis will stand the test of time and become stronger for having been through the crisis.

The following are some of the traits of a married couple with love that is strong enough to survive.

Value Your Spouse
The couple has learned to value each other as well as to value themselves. By this I mean that respect, care and concern for each other and for themselves is very evident. They make an effort to spend time together. When the inevitable disagreements arise they don’t insist on being right, but instead try to see both sides of the situation. They show interest in things the other spouse is interested in. We all have physical possessions that we value and we treat them carefully. Shouldn’t we treat out spouses with at least that same amount of care?

Keep Romance Alive
The couple recognizes that romance is important and make an effort to be romantic. As a relationship matures romance seems to fade. Wise couples try to keep the flame of romance alive. Little gifts, special gestures of love, making sure that instead of a quick peck on the lips, you really kiss you spouse several times a week (every day would be even better) are all simple ways to rekindle the marriage and bring back a little romance.

Accept Your Spouse for Who They Are
They have learned to accept each other warts and all. So many people have the idea that they can change someone, when the only person they can change is themselves. The highest form of respect you can offer your spouse is acceptance. We all have qualities that are less then admirable, so if you expect your partner to love you despite your negative qualities, it’s important that you do the same for them.

Don’t Waste Time With Power Struggles
The couple has learned that power struggles are a waste of time and that each of them have the power to make the relationship better or worse. A marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship and neither spouse should try to wield power over the other by controlling behavior. Spouses should instead share in making decisions and these decisions should be give and take. Compromise is a wonderful thing and sometimes you just may have to agree to disagree. Each partner in a marriage has the power to control their actions and attitude to make them a positive or a negative for the relationship.

Have Fun Together
I feel safe in saying that one of the reasons that couples continue dating and eventually get married is because they have fun together. While marriage and a family means more responsibility than the two of you had as a carefree couple while dating, that doesn’t mean the fun has to end. Having fun together keeps the important underlying friendship alive and keeps you close as a couple.

While a marriage crisis may test your resolve and throw you and your spouse off track for a while, if your love is strong, your marriage will only grow stronger once the crisis is over.

If your marriage is being threatened by a crisis and you don’t feel your love is strong enough to survive. Today is the day to take action and make sure that your marriage will withstand whatever life throws its way. Click here for a proven plan by a leading family and marriage counselor.

Marriage Counseling Questions

Dena — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:34:49 +0000

Once the problems in your marriage have reached the point that you and your spouse believe that you need marriage counseling help, you are often confused about where to find a counselor and full of questions about marriage counseling in general. It’s my hope that you can find some of the answers you need here.

Marriage Counseling Costs
Costs for a marriage counselor will vary depending on where you live and what type of counselor you see. The average cost of a counseling session with a professional marriage, family or couples counselor in the United States is $100. This can vary from a low of around $50 to a high of around $200.

Generally a counselor will schedule you for one 1 hour session a week. Counseling can last anywhere from a few months to a year or more depending on how complicated the marriage problems are.

Many pastors offer marriage counseling services. Their costs can be less than those of a counselor whose job consists only in counseling services. If you are a member of a church, your pastor may offer free counseling sessions.

How to Find a Marriage Counselor?
Unlike lots of services we seek, asking friends who they would recommend usually won’t work when you are looking for a marriage counselor. If your pastor does not offer counseling, they may be able to recommend someone. If you don’t know where to look, the best way to choose a counselor may be by simply looking through the yellow pages.

Ask for a telephone interview with the counselor to answer the following questions.

What is your background and training?

How long have you been practicing marriage counseling?

What is their success rate?

Briefly describe the problems in your marriage and ask for their thoughts on dealing with them.

The telephone interview should help you in deciding which counselor to choose.

What to Expect?
As stated earlier most marriage counseling sessions will last for about one hour. Generally the first session will involve both you and your spouse talking with the counselor as a couple. Depending on the approach the counselor uses, he or she may schedule sessions with each of you separately later or divide some sessions into time alone with each of you.

If after a session or two, either of you feel uncomfortable with your choice of counselors, it may be time to find someone else. Counseling will be worthless if you are not comfortable with the counselor.

Marriage counseling is a positive step in turning your marriage around. Don’t let unanswered marriage counseling questions cause you to put of making this step.

To learn more about a great marriage counseling alternative created by a leading marriage counselor click here now.

When Should You Seek Marriage Counseling Help?

Dena — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:55:05 +0000

It is reality that all marriages have good and bad times. It doesn’t matter whether you are newlyweds or whether you have been married for many years, ups and downs happen in all relationships. If your marriage seems to have more bad days and down times than up days and good times, then you probably have problems that need to be worked out.

The upside to this is that you are noticing that your marriage is headed south. The sooner you notice the problems, the more likely you are to be able to turn things around. Ignoring the problems will guarantee that things will continue on a downward spiral to the point that there is no love left to rekindle.

Facing the fact that your marriage needs help is the first hurdle, the next is deciding what to do. Should you simply try to work though things yourselves, should you seek the advice of friends or should your turn to a professional for help?

If you are unsure whether you can really share all the intimate details of your marriage with a counselor, rest assured that as a professional they have probably seen and heard many similar stories. They have the training and experience to listen to your story and then lead you in the right direction. A professional marriage counselor can offer you help and hope when you feel that your marriage is hopeless.

Many people resist the idea of counseling because it makes them feel like a failure at marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. If your car needs work, you take it to a professional. Why would you do any less for your marriage? The only way you can be a failure is by giving up.

There are also several marriage counseling alternatives. These are usually in the form of books or DVD’s that offer somewhat of a do it yourself marriage counseling approach. These programs are less costly than in person marriage counseling and something that you might want to consider. If the problems in your marriage aren’t noticeably better after trying this approach, I strongly urge you to seek out a marriage counselor in your local area.

As mentioned earlier, the only way you can fail is by giving up. Give your marriage a second chance at success by seeking out some type of marriage counseling help.

To learn more about a great marriage counseling alternative that has helped countless other couples click here now.